I am Enough & I am not Enough
Capturing all of our thoughts, feels like an impossible task.
Being imperfect is perfectly human. That's kind of a hard saying to wrap my head around because I have always told myself that I am not perfect. And when I say that, it's true, I am not perfect, never have, and never will be. That might kind of sound self-reprimanding, but it's true. Since middle school, which I know was a while ago, it just goes to show that some feelings don’t go away. Anyways, the reason I even brought up middle school, is because I strived so hard to be perfect. Not for myself, but simply because I felt like I was so imperfect compared to everyone else. It was a bad feeling. I constantly was catching myself acting like someone who was completely not me. It was a lost feeling and was self-consuming and again, self-reprimanding. Skip to high school freshman year, I came from private school to public school, one of the very few who was going to public school for high school. It was new for me and it just gave me another reason to reinvent myself after my middle school experience. So when I started my freshman year, I constantly put on my best outfits and did my makeup every morning for weeks. After a while, I simply came to the conclusion that I am not enough for the people around me, but I know that was my mind making assumptions.
Out of all the blogs I have written, and the ones I have in my plans, this has been the most difficult to write. I have struggled for years and years feeling like I am not enough for anyone. I always felt like I was too much or too talkative for my friends, or even with my family I would feel like I was always careless and did not work as hard as my sisters. But one thing that I do know, is that none of those are true and that is only my mind talking to me. As mentioned in previous posts, I had a really sweet friend group in high school. I had a group of girls who attended my high school, and another group was my neighborhood girls. I wish I could explain the gratefulness I have for the people who live right next to me, and how it just so happened we would grow up together through all the steps of life. These girls make me feel like myself, they bring out the best of me, and I have never felt like I am not enough for them. Parker has a passion for photography and traveling and is the world's best free therapist, Weezie found her passion for dance in high school and watching her every year as she becomes more beautiful on stage makes me happy, and Weezie goes to a school in Texas that has treated her heart so well. Crafton has pursued her passion for skiing and being in her happy place by being a ski instructor and continuing her love for photography and film. Roxie Rou is the girl that keeps us going (quite literally, she makes us walk when we are lazy). She is smart and intelligent and lifts me up. The reason I ramble on about them is that although we all have different interests, I have never once felt like I don’t belong. I am lucky to have them with me.
For a while now, I have lost my sense of belonging and the feeling as if I am enough. I have always been the person to make sure everyone around me is okay, and I often forget to make sure I am okay. I act differently around people because I want them to think a certain way about me. But why? Why do I do that? Because I don’t even feel comfortable in my own skin? Pretty much, I feel I am simply not enough.
My therapist back home recommended the book Get Out of Your Head; Stop the Spiral of Toxic thoughts. A part of the book says;
"If you ask Mr.Google how many of our thoughts per day are positive and how many are negative, you will discover that the vast majority—a full 70 percent, some researchers say—- are negative!"
The negative thoughts that arise for me include stress at school, am I good enough? am I worthy? my failures, rejection, and I often leave the ideas of choosing joy, good memories, and my heart untouched.
“Assumptions such as if people knew how badly I’d failed, they’d never love me and my worth comes from my ability to be perfect. No wonder I am not worth much. As a result of those assumptions, emotions surface: frustration, anger, despondency, hopelessness, embarrassment, inadequacy, and shame.”
Those simple assumptions we put in our heads over time begin to form mind habits, which then shape our days. It's exhausting living your everyday life feeling like you aren’t enough.
I have failed a lot in my life. I have failed a lot of people and disappointed many of those around me, but I never once walked away smiling from it and being happy with myself. I never felt the need to bring others down so I would feel enough, but I know I did at times. Instead of turning all my energy into not feeling like I am enough, I had to start focusing on the common themes in my circle.
Did I feel like I was not enough because I was worrying about things I cannot control, or was I angry about ways I have been misled by those who I thought cared for me or do I feel ashamed for something in the past? All of those thoughts are rightfully spiraling in my head. But, to stop my pattern of feeling I am not enough, I must notice where I am and what's happening. And what we think constantly about, is what our brains become and live by.
I am writing this as I am currently sitting in a coffee shop, and this allowed me to really think about how much energy and how much of my heart I have poured into if I am good enough. It is truly an everyday struggle for me. These past few months I have seen tremendous changes in my habits and my thoughts because I am too quickly letting the negative ones take over. People need to realize they are not a direct reflection of what people say about them. As these past few months have been the hardest of my life, I am constantly having to remind myself Who I am and Whose I am. I know that sounds cheesy, but I grew up having my mom and my friends' moms always tell me that. It is important to surround yourself with those who lift you up, and as I have said in a previous post, it is always okay to let go if you feel you are not enough.
Like I have said once before, living in the present means being content without wishing it were different, and in this case being in the present means feeling good enough right where you are. My hope this semester is to continue to be mindful and aware of where I am when I feel my best and remind myself that positive thoughts will always lead to a positive upward spiral.